Freitag, 14. Februar 2014

Where is my mind?

This time I´ll mix a lot of different photos, a mix like the one I have in my had...The first pic is my dreamtypewriter. I really would like to have a old one restored and colored in a cute pastelle color like this pink, green would be great too, like all with shiny colors would be great. But I looked for one to buy and even the not restord ones are soooo expensive and most are on Ebay and you don´t really know if they work, if yes how and where to buy paper and tint and all this things wich are most important. I´d like to have one for my birthday, may I´ll ask my mum and look for one with enough information and also the paper etc.... If my little cutie wasn´t there since 4 days now, I´d be very sad and tired. Not because I have problems with Artur or anyone else I just don´t want to live here anmore. And I dream to start living finally cause it doesn´t feels like this is the life I should live, like I live a life of someone else or if I´m waiting in a "betweenspace" and if I´m with other people I feel like an actor of a very strange theater show wich has to play every day again and again. And because I don´t like it and this every day more, I start to get worse as actor...


Sometimes I don´t know or can seperate what is the show and what the real life and also who is me and who is the charater I play and what belongs to what. Sometimes I´m the actor in my real life and don´t see it and also somedays I have to play my role and forget the stage and start to talk whats in my mind and act normal what is not my text... I really like this mask, I have a few, I sometimes wish everyone could costume and mascarade if he wants and has this kind of days. I wish the mask would hide my face and the way I look sometimes but the mask is just for Halloween and Carneval and in the other time it would make people staring more at you and would make all but not hide... Sometimes I look in the mirror and see a person who is a stranger for me I see the first time. Now I recognize that this open blog is more and more personal and begins to be my mainblog. But I have to take care not to go too far with this...Not here. 


This one is a pic of my Scrapbooking stuff and my little pocket diarys I made, may you can see if you get close to look, the little ones in the middele are all small notebooks or for polaroidphotos or whatever. I like them. But I´m crazy for books, diarys and writing anyway. Cause of this I want a typewriter. Not a big one, a small or best a travel typewriter with box cause I don´t have the space for a big one and I want to keep it with me. I´ll let you know if I get one... :) I´d like to post a pic of my sunshine... But I still don´t know if it´s the best idea if everyone of my family could find me and this blog. I would tell much much more what normally would be very important to know how I am and why I do and feel what but I can´t. I´d like to but I just can´t. I´ll write it in the other one and the version with no cenzores I only write in my diary but even there I don´t write everything down anymore. I can´t trust nobody anymore with this, I was disappointed too often and by people I´d never think that they would read my diary and blame me for my deepest thoughts I wrote down. It felt like they where running in my brain and destroy everything inside...



I really like this painting, it´s a variation of one by Otto Dix I think. It was crazy cause a few days before I was at the Dix artshow, I found this pic and painted it in my diary, I didn´t knew that it´s by Dix. I thought somebody whos not famous made this and I was faczinated. And then I saw the painting at the museum but different, it was only the women in the mirror and next to her two more of her with different faces, good and bad or happy and sad, as you interprate. But I like this one with the little girl much more. It shows exactly what it wants to show, if you know what I mean with this. And I can really identify myselfe with this. I´m sure a lot women/girls do and may also some men cause the meaning is genderless I think. This is exxactly what I wrote about before what I sometimes feel while see in the mirror. I expect to see the 13-year old girl I still think I am and who is still there but looks not as she should. It´s strange and feels not right. Bouth, that I´m not the girl anymore and that I feel this way while knowing that it´s not how it should be. I should feel and see the same me always not just for a while and than again not. I hope it´s just a part of the change from life and feelings and may it is a normal feeling much people have for a while and that it´s just not named or a big theme...I don´t know how to classify infantility I think it´s the right word, it´s not like a diagnose of an illness.

Sorry I didn´t finish this post yesterday I´ll write more in a new one... 

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