Montag, 10. Februar 2014

People are strange when your a stranger...



Well now I go on writing a little about me. Artur is back from work and in a hour we´ll go out a little. Ah this pic of me is one I really like, of course I wear false lashes but this is REALLY my eyecolor :) I have to do so much stuff and to put all m clothes and bags and most important my diarys away...And I have too much diarys, I write every day, since I learned how to write. Before I painted little comics to put down what happened in my life. I really don´t know where to put all this things, we defenetly need a bigger flat even if I love this one. But when I moved in 5 years ago, I was alone, after a year I met Artur and we decited never to seperate :) But seriously we need some more space, for now. Not that I need that much (I don´t even have a real mirror ^^) but for Jeanie... i don´t know if I´ll stay this way with writing her name. First I wanted to call her Alice but that wasn´t possible anymore. I´m so happy since she is in my life. I mean sure I was happy before with Artur but for the moments we fight or he just don´t understand because it´s a "girlthing" now I have her and I didn´t go out for such a long time because of my epileptic attacks and the fear to fall on the ground or in front of a car and even the whole feeling of the own body changes suddenly if you get this illness...I wasn´t very selfconfidenced anymore, not because of my look or my character it was just the feeling to loose control about everything in one second and don´t can control your own body anymore. I felt strange for myselfe and for other. I was interested how such an epeleptic Grande Mal attack looks because I didn´t knew and you can´t remember after and so I watched a clip on youtube and I was very shocked and thought that it´s kind of creepy or shocking for the people who have to see this and didn´t want to go under people... You know it´s really shit if your whole life was a party and you danced in the biggest clubs on tables for hours and smiled to the people, sure about yourself and then suddenly you sit there on your first day of work ( it was a minijob at the phone but on this day was a meeting with a lot of people and really professional) and then you wake up, the room is empty, the docs and above you carring you in the hospital and you don´t know whats going on you only feel ashamed and that helpless and also guilty for the other who where in this room...It´s like your whole word breaks in pieces. And now it´s so much better after this few days with my cute little baby :) I don´t want to sound like I´m not grateful for the great time I had before in my life and most epileptic people have to deal with it since the first day of their life but I think it´s for everyone who was alwas healthy hard and a shock and new... 
I´m really grateful that my mother and Artur of course are so great.
I don´t trust a lot of people but not because of them, most are so lovely it´s only because of me. A little longer and I may would have started to get phobic with the people around. I can´t remember the last timme I was shopping I only buy things from web or sometimes go with Artur or my mum but I really hate it. I loved shopping...Like every woman probaply does. I´m sure I´ll get back to this now. And maybe the whole thing will be much better if I´m clear in my mind again I think such things go hand in hand. At the moment I don´t want to see my family only my mum and my grandparents sometimes but that´s it. Even they are too "much" for me and too strange sometimes. But in this case Morrison was defenetly right: "People are strange when your a stranger..." I think I seem very very strange to a lot of people. I don´t know. But I have my diarys and my partner and also my family ( my real family). There are also some of them who may have the same blood but this means nothing.... But well they can read this ^^ But the one I mean knows anyway... So no matter... I nearly finished my book now. I mean it was finished a lot of times but the fact that it´s my story, I mean what really happened in my life, you always have something you think it´s not perfect or too private or too far away from the real story. I will try to bring it out-can I say it lie this? ^^ Well you may think it´s crap cause I don´t write a proper english but in german I´m really into the right words and try to make a spirit and show pictures with the right sentences. I only decited that this blog should be red by anyone who likes and I´m sure that I´ll write better the next weeks if I practised a little... I´d really like to write about serious and deeper themes as I do now but I don´t want to start if I don´t have the perfect words or at least good words to describe. Do you understand what I mean? I don´t have follower at the moment anyway, it´s sad but on the other side I´ll write better and about more interesting things after some time...

But as i promised you, I write more the last time sure I have some days I don´t want to tell anything or I just feel that empty that I would only write nonsense and shit anyway so I better let it be and I have to write my diarys every ay too and now I have also to look and orientate cause of my study or job or whatever comes next. But one thing is now sure for me, this time it will be something I really want, nobody else can choose for me and say what makes me happy even if they want only the best, I know of course. I´ll go inside me and follow the feeling I always had and what was often ignored by the most and so by me cause of the wish to make all happy. But I know now it´s NEVER possible to make ALL happy and you can´t even make one person happy if you are not. So I´ll deal with my thoughts and even my fears and also the feeling of feeling guilty not to make some people happy as they wanted to be happy for me... Because it´s not real, it´s a lie and it´s selfish even if they don´t see. I´m selfish too but I don´t want to live a life of a person I´ll never be and never would like to become. So for now I wish all a very merry unbirthday and sweet dreams. Will write again as soon as possible ;)

Julie



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